Co-sure

New title to my blog(if I knew how to change it): Co-sure. I am sure that I was co-crucified with Christ. I am no longer learning to die, I am living. I am living in grace. I am living in love. I am living in joy. I am living in hope. Praise the King of Kings. He is my Daddy. I am His beloved. I will live to praise Him and bring glory to His name.

Freedom

The Lord is showing me where He is bringing freedom into my life and I am so filled with joy. My spirit is just crying with relief. It's weird because I wondered how I would receive freedom from this one thing that was obvious to me, and things just start clicking. It's a weird experience. I am so excited to get to know my Father more and more. He is so faithful. He is giving me so much hope. I want people to feel this way and receive freedom!

Child

I feel naive. Stupid. Betrayed. Alone. Deceived.

I feel like a child.

I feel like I have no idea the pain and hurt people go through.

I feel childish for letting something so small effect me the way it is now.

I feel as though I have no idea what I'm getting myself into.

Give me strength, Lord.

Am I getting in way too over my head?

Lord, show me what I am capable of.

Teach me, Lord.

Hold me as a child. Teach me as a child. But grow me into a strong and mature woman.

Living Rich

I've been thinking about my blog lately. I've been thinking, "I wouldn't even know where to begin." But I don't really think it matters. I've also been thinking about the reason for blogging. I have my journal that I write in, so do I really need to display my feelings to the cyber world. The thrill (for lack of a better word) of blogging is me opening up my creative side.
This summer, I have noticed my craving for creativity. I've been trying to pick up the guitar, and the egg shaker (which I still haven't mastered). I found my film camera. I love going downtown Annapolis to take pictures, journal, and meet people.
I guess I noticed that I'm frustrated with doing nothing. I want to say I learned the guitar. I want to say I went skydiving. I would love to say I hiked the Inca Trail to see the glorious Machu Picchu. I want to say I graduated with a degree in....well, still not sure about that one. But I want to enjoy things in this world. I want to challenge myself. I mean it all is meaningless in the end, right? But it's laughter. It's happiness. I don't want to be complacent. I don't need these things to reach happiness, but I believe God gave me the desire to take risks and enjoy a challenge.
But. What is it in me that is just tired? That doesn't want to put forth the effort because the things of this world lead to sin. What is it in me that just wants to stay in and watch a movie? I guess I've reached the old age of 19. That must be it.
Hell no. Excuse me. But no. I'm frustrated. I've found thrill and excitement in God. Is that bad? NO! Is that a boring life? According to me, no. When I hear his voice, and am positive it's His voice -- that is when I feel most alive.
I have learned though, that God speaks to me when I am challenging myself. I don't need to stay in and hide myself from this world.
I don't have to live under condemnation! Hallelujah! Because Christ gave me life. He has given me a greater life. Someone said to me, "Sounds like you're living the rich life." And I couldn't have agreed more. I have never felt so alive. And free.
That is what I want to share with people. The rich life.
love, em

Not for me

It's been a while since I have felt the need to write, but there really has been so much that God is doing in my life that I couldn't possibly bore you with it all on here. Something that has been really tugging at my heart is the unveiling of my true identity. Being at Eastern, I've felt this tug to be true to myself and not hide behind the pack, but be an essential limb to the pack. And by pack, I mean God's army. I've had to step out of my comfort and make myself vulnerable. I've had the lowest low's and God has brought me out of them with peace and joy. I am seeing what this life is all about and it's not about me at all. I still feel like I don't truly believe it's not about me because I feel selfish a lot of the time, but God is beginning to reveal to me what He is calling me to be. I've seen the true importance of prayer and how much it has impacted my life, others lives, and my relationship with God. As of right now, I still feel so much fear, sorrow, happiness, joy, and so much more. But God calls us to feel that sorrow, but come out with joy and rejoice in His name. This life is not easy at all, and a friend let me know that it's going to get harder, but I can't turn back now. I've seen too much and know too much to even try to deny God. He has become the reason I wake up, the reason I cry, the reason I sleep in hope for tomorrow. I listen. I speak. He has become everything and I know people will look to me and see a Jesus FREAK, but that can't get me down. This life is meaningless and I intend to bring fire to this earth. I intend to live to my life humbly for God. I intend to transform by being. I intend to be the best I can be, but not for me, for Him. I am learning so much and I truly believe this learning will never stop. How exciting is that?

Quietly Screaming

Hmph...

This last week, maybe one of the most confusing weeks. I've never experienced such bipolar emotions. The highs were absolutely amazing, but the lows were so drastic and numbing. I've always been pretty good at understanding my emotions, but while breaths don't seem to ever satisfy my need for air, I still can't quite grasp what is making my heart feel so restless. I've just been so contemplative about what is going on around me. My mind is screaming, but it never seems to come out the way I want it to. Everything moves so quickly that it doesn't ever seem like I'll be able to grab hold. All I can ever do is cry out to God. I always go back to Him, but I'm still questioning what He has planned for me. All I keep hearing is, "I have you, don't worry." But my need for details drowns that voice out.

I don't know how it will be done. I know he's given me a heart for Philadelphia, but what does that look like? I still don't know what it is. Everybody has a knick for something, but what do I have? And maybe everybody needs to figure this out at some point of their life and question it, but I think I'm just frustrated with trying to figure it out while everybody is zooming past me.

This never ending battle with fear of never making a mark on this world kills me. But, I know that I will never accept defeat. I know my desire for God overpowers all.

Seeing my thoughts typed out though, I see how much of it will be answered soon, and in the end I smile because He gives me hope.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

Spirit

Season of Lent

I'm starting this blog not really knowing what I am going to say, but I just feel the need to write. With the start of lent today, I really have been contemplating what things in my life I need to resist and what I need to bring to the cross. My goal in life is always to love people and lately I've seen things in me that show that I'm not truly loving some people or I'm not seeing them through God's eyes. I think this is what I'm bringing to the cross for lent. Before I say something or make a conclusion about someone, I want to take a step back and be humbled by Christ's view of the person. I want to be submerged in Christ during this time. I never paid much attention to lent before this year, and I see how important it is. I see it as a time to evaluate my walk in becoming more like Christ.

I think I've been a little hesitant in taking lent seriously because I'm afraid of the legalistic mindset, but I'm seeing that being a follower of Christ does take discipline. The thought that I have free will is clouding my mind. I feel that I'm trying to make exceptions for things by saying, "Oh, but I have free will". Yeah, that's true. But how many times can we say that? I thank Christ for dying on the cross and giving us free will, but making an effort to change our worldly patterns is also thanking Him for giving us free will. I don't want to convict myself, but I do want to a life for Christ and I want Him to be the model for my life.

Well, I guess that's that. I didn't know I had all that on my mind. I pray for whoever reads this that you'll go to the cross during this season of lent. It truly is a beautiful time to think of what Christ did for us.

Love, Emily

The Loving God: Old and New

I've been really struggling with seeing God's love throughout the whole bible. Mostly before the new covenant. I always see Him angry and jealous, and as if there is no way to please Him. This has been a real battle for me. Only because I know who Jesus is and I know who God is right now, but who was He before Jesus? It's hard to believe my God is a loving and good God when all I see in the Old Testament is His wrath. I know there is love in the old testament, but I still never found the mercy and grace that I saw in the new testament. Well, I decided to read Jeremiah today and it starts off about Israel's betrayal of God, but God wants them to turn back to Him. I see His jealousy again and His anger towards the Israelites. Then I see it, the jealousy shifts in my mind as a desire for their hearts and a longing to be close to them because Israel means so much to God. I see His heartbreak and desire for their love.
Jeremiah 3:12-15

^11-12Then God told me, "Fickle Israel was a good sight better than flighty Judah. Go and preach this message. Face north toward Israel and say:

^12-15"'Turn back, fickle Israel.
I'm not just hanging back to punish you.
I'm committed in love to you.
My anger doesn't seethe nonstop.
Just admit your guilt.
Admit your God-defiance.
Admit to your promiscuous life with casual partners,
pulling strangers into the sex-and-religion groves
While turning a deaf ear to me.'"
God's Decree.
"Come back, wandering children!"
God's Decree.
"I, yes I, am your true husband.
I'll pick you out one by one—
This one from the city, these two from the country—
and bring you to Zion.
I'll give you good shepherd-rulers who rule my way,
who rule you with intelligence and wisdom.

This is The Message version, just because I think it portrays His love a little more intensely and the way I imagined it. I know that in the old testament we weren't worthy of Him because of our consistent failure. But this helps me to see how God always wanted us, even when we weren't worthy. I am so thankful that because of Jesus we can be worthy. He was the ultimate sacrifice. His love really is eternal.

Living

It's my last day in Maryland. I'll be heading off to Eastern University tomorrow. My emotions about this new part in my life are so bipolar. I feel excited and ready, but then I think about the details and think about the future, and I get freaked out. I've realized how much of my emotions have been due to me thinking and putting expectations for my future. I'm trying so hard to give my future to God and giving Him the control, but I've learned that it shouldn't be hard. If I truly trusted that He has it all in His hands then I would relax a little. This waiting around part of my life is getting frustrating and making me so anxious. I can't seem to get it in my head that everyday is life, not the future and my career. I've seen that I just want to love God and love people all my life. That's all I want to do, and I don't need to feel anxious about what God has planned for me because I need to do it everyday. I need to remember that He has my life in His hands and I don't need to be so uptight about knowing and just live.