This last week, maybe one of the most confusing weeks. I've never experienced such bipolar emotions. The highs were absolutely amazing, but the lows were so drastic and numbing. I've always been pretty good at understanding my emotions, but while breaths don't seem to ever satisfy my need for air, I still can't quite grasp what is making my heart feel so restless. I've just been so contemplative about what is going on around me. My mind is screaming, but it never seems to come out the way I want it to. Everything moves so quickly that it doesn't ever seem like I'll be able to grab hold. All I can ever do is cry out to God. I always go back to Him, but I'm still questioning what He has planned for me. All I keep hearing is, "I have you, don't worry." But my need for details drowns that voice out.
I don't know how it will be done. I know he's given me a heart for Philadelphia, but what does that look like? I still don't know what it is. Everybody has a knick for something, but what do I have? And maybe everybody needs to figure this out at some point of their life and question it, but I think I'm just frustrated with trying to figure it out while everybody is zooming past me.
This never ending battle with fear of never making a mark on this world kills me. But, I know that I will never accept defeat. I know my desire for God overpowers all.
Seeing my thoughts typed out though, I see how much of it will be answered soon, and in the end I smile because He gives me hope.
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12
